We live lives of doubts
by KatsumiyoChita
Summary: Bucky Barnes was trying his best to fit in the whole new world before him, yet it had never been simple to his liking. Days of struggle and pain followed him,tortured him to his core until the day he met his remedy. Only then could he find some peace and the life he had longed for in him, in them.
1. I was war, she was peace

It returned again.

All the memories of those who had fallen under him once again returned to haunt him.

They kept unravelling from the past, no matter how much he tried to surpress them.

This time, was a woman and her husband corpse lying motionlessly next to her. "Please spare me, I have 3 children at home.", she begged in tears, but to no avail. The soldier acted as if he didn't hear anything, grabbing her by the hair then slammed her head on the floor, breaking the neck in the process. Blooking leaking out from the cracks on her head was all over the floor, and soon out of it did some crimson tentacles grow, slowly wrapping around his legs. He tried to shoot them, but they only grew stronger .And when they was big enough to spread all over the room, he could see faces on each one of them. They were all so familiar, and horrifying.

"Gahhh", Bucky got up, letting out a small cry. Sweat running down his face, as well as his body, reminded him of the frightened dream he had just had. He quickly looked down at the floor to make sure that nothing out of ordinary would rise and swallow him, and how relieved he was when there was nothing but some newspapers scattering around. He had woken up so many times before that he lost count of it, and this was just one of those time.

* * *

It was a nice day as usual. The sun shone through the curtan,hitting him fully on the face. He groaned, shotting his eyes open as he rose up,pushing the blanket aside. Rubbing his eyes, Bucky let out a yawn for not having enough sleep. He didn't remember what he had seen last night, but there's one thing he was so sure of was that it was so vivid and terrifying that his heart skipped a beat whenever he tried to recall it. Brushing the thought aside,he went to the bathroom to prepare for a new day, just like how any other ordinary people would do. After that, he would put on some plain clothes, consisting of a pair of dark jeans and a grey t-shirt that had been fold neatly in the closet. His preference of clothes was pretty simple, as he chosed almost anything, as long as they helped him keep low. To finish off his look, he put on a black hoodie and pulled the hood all over his head, despite having already worn a cap in order not to attract any unnecessary attention to him. Then he was ready to head out. His daily life was so simple and repetitive to the point that he could just foresee what was about to happen. First, on the way to the market stalls on the other side of the streets,he would be spotted and greeted by Greta, who ran a vegetables stall, and then he would help her settle the goods and boxes. As a reward, she gave him some fresh tomatoes or lettuces,and even an invitation to her house , to which he just politely declined. But of course he kept the food. He then would go to a mall or store to continue his search for the lost memory, which sometimes involved a computer. That stuff sure was difficult to understand, but being a smart and witty guy he was, Bucky was able to do few simple tasks on it by observing other people. Of course, his time using it wouldn't be so long since the store mangaer always kept an eye on every customers. Therefore, after spending a fair amount of time on it, he would find a corner where not many people noticed to jot down his notebook every little thing he learned each day. After that, he would just head back to his little hideout,as he prefered to call so, to prepare meals in advance. He also had s mall nap after lunch,during which he actually found sleeping comfortable instead of torturing and that he couldn't be disturbed by nightmares. Throughout the day, some memories might strike him out of nowhere,and he would grab his little notebook to write it down as quick as possible before they faded away. Sometimes, they came back so powerful that he couldn't hold on to all of them at the same time. Nevertheless, it was comforting to see that they were still there, waiting for him to be untangled little by little.

At least that's what he thought. He thought that today would be the same like any other days, that he would meet Greta again and maybe he would stop by the café on his way home to treat himself to a generous meal once in a while,until he was brought out of his mind by a buzzling sound. It was the doorbell. He hadn't had any guest ever since his arrival here, except for the old lady next door, but it couldn't have been her for she had left the previous night to visit her children. Tension raised in the air, as the unexpected guest rang the bell again, this time also knocking on the door. Bucky swallowed hard as he stared at it, not knowing whether to open it or not. He had tried his best to stay low,leaving behind no trace in order to not be found,at least for a while. Yet here he was,on the verge of death if he made any trivial mistake. Bucky was lost in his thought until a voice called out, bringing him back to reality. It was so soft, delicate and full of American accent. It was of a woman's.

"Hello? Is anybody home? ", she asked,ringing the bell for the third time,"There's gotta be someone,right?"

Bucky slowly headed towards the door, grabbing a knife on the table and shoved it into his hoodie pocket. Caution was never enough. He looked through the eye on the door, and found a seemingly young woman dressed in white with a large baggage next to her. He couldn't make out who she was since the fedora and a big pair of glasses had covered her whole face, but it seemed like she didn't pose any threat. Still, he had to lure her away, for the sake of him, and for her own.

 _"_ _Who are you? I don't know you. Go away now ",_ he spoked a chain of sentences in German, hoping that she would just go away. As expected, she slightly jumped at the sound of the foreign language, to which she didn't seem to understand anything at all. But she was still there,looking directly at the eye.

"Can you at least open the door ? It only takes a few minutes I promise."

But he ignored her, continuing to speak in the other language. And it indeed got on her nerves when he could see her eyebrows knitted, lips curling downwards, hands tapping on the handle of her baggage. That should do the work, he thought,turning back to his room. However, he stopped dead in tracks when she cleared her voice, calling him by the name that he thought had long disappeared out of his life. And it went on so smooth at the tip of her tongue, despite hardships itself brought.

" _Soldier_ ".

It was in Russian. Not perfect ,but still reconizable.

" _I know you're the Winter soldier. Please open the door so I can exchange a few words with you. I do not bring anyone or weapons. It's just gonna be between the two of us_ ", after a long pause, the woman continued, " _if you still avoid me, hope you don't mind the police blowing this place up_."

Grinning his teeth, Bucky could feel anger welling up in his chest at the mention of his alter ego. Oh how much he wanted to forget about it ,yet no one let him do so. The more he neglected it,the tighter it clinged to him, pulling him down to the void of guilt. Nevertheless, he would still have to clean up the mess he did when his wilder part took over.

"Hey you heard me ? , the woman knocked again," Don't leave me with the other ch-", not until she finished her sentence did he open the door, grabbing her arm as quick as possible and pulled her into the room. Closing the door behind him, Bucky, eyes filled with wrath,tried his best to keep his voice down.

"Who are you ? , each word spat out harshly on her, "What do you want from me?", said as he grabbed the woman by her colar and slammed her against the door, making her yelp in pain.

"So, it's really you. I just can't believe this. I mean, you haven't changed a bit since then", she took off her hat and glasses. Dark brown hair was tied in a messy bun, hazel eyes were filled with.. happiness. "Do you still remember me ?"

Bucky, hands still on her collar,narrowed his eyebrows. He still got some memories left of her, at the back of his mind, but he didn't want to give it away.

"No I don't. I don't know who the hell you are. Can you please leave now?". He could see disappointment in her eyes when clearly his answer didn't live up to her expectation,but it soon turned into mischief as her lips curled up into a smirk.

"You're lying, and I know that. Be honest if you want to finish this quickly. Don't buy more time since it won't help, and I won't leave either."

He didn't want to admit defeat, but she had pushed him to the edge ,leaving him no choice but to spill the beans.

"Mission 19, killing John Keith Willis", he hissed," And what do you want? Are you here to blame me on your father's death?". He still remembered everything he did in the past, willingly or not ,and her case was of no exception. Suddenly she laughed, such a disorted laugh, with a hint of bittersweet that it sent shivers down his spine.

"Are you kidding me ? I can't thank you enough for what you've done ya know? Besides, that old fart deserved it. And it's stepfather, not father."

Despite endless missions he had carried out, her case was the one that couldn't escape his mind, no matter how much they wiped she said to him that night struck him like lightning,and it still lingered to him up until this day. He loosened his grip, looking into her eyes. If being all nice and friendly didn't work, maybe a threat would do.

" You have guts to have come here. I can easily break you in half, or strangle you to death then dump your body somewhere no one could ever fine . Aren't you afraid of me ? Of what I could do right now ? ". he leaned in, voice as cold as ever,giving her goosebumps. But she didn't move an inch. With a determined look, she brought up her hand,slightly touched his cheek.

"No I'm not afraid. If you wanted to kill me, that pocket knife would have done its job the moment you pulled me in. It's the Winter soldier who I owned my life to, so I decided to give it a try ,and track him down. , the woman swallowed, then continued , "But it looks like only James Buchanan Barnes lives here."

Shuddered by her touch, Bucky flinched back, finally letting go of her coat. He stared at her, at her hands, then her eyes.

"I'm not the Winter soldier, nor James. I don't do that anymore I'm..,"Bucky was about to say something,but he stopped. "The one you want to meet is no longer here. Please leave."

She didn't listen. Her hand reached out again, steadily touching his arm. " I could help you."

He took a step back, avoiding her touch as well as her pity gaze. Turning his back to her, he slowly took off his gloves, revealing his metal arm. "Leave. Now. I don't need it."

"But I want to", she swallowed hard, mouth went dried at the scene before her. It wasn't the first time she saw it, yet the piece of metal still intimidated her as it had done so in the past. "You can't just live like this forever right? The landlady said you haven't paid for 2 months rent yet.I can help you help. At least with that."

"It's none of your business", Bucky grunted,turning around to face her. In a quick movement, he grabbed her neck ,punning her against the wall again. Startled by his sudden outburst, Vanessa shut her eyes tight , mumbling "please" under her breath.

"How did you find me? ", he threatened,tightening his grab.

"Technology. Stark's one . And friends. ", she gulped, shutting her eyes whenever the sound of his arm clicked," I don't tell anyone about this, even Steve. So please, trust me."

The familiar name rang a bell for him. Bucky stared at her for a while, then let go of her, making the woman fall to the ground gasping for air even though he hadn't done anything yet. "What's with you,and him?"

"We- we're friends. Met him when the Avengers was established. Cute guy. Always so brave, and a little bit too patriotic ,I guess?, the woman locked eyes with Bucky, coughing between her words," you still remember him?"

Frowned by what she said, he stood still. After a moment of silence,he spoke ,voice filled with anxiety and deceit that even a child could tell. "I read about him at the museum"

But of course, she played along with,for not having any intention of blowing it up for him. "That's something,I guess. Things take time. I'm sure you'll recover soon.", her lips curled upward,letting out a faint smile to assure the big,but somewhat vulnerable guy in front of her.

"I – I have something to ask,…uhm…", Bucky finally spoke after a long pause, unsure whether what to adress the troublesome woman before him, and she read it-his mind before he could even ask back.

"Vanessa. Vanessa Willis",there was a noticeably high pitch in her voice,probably surprised from how he wanted to know her name. " Yes,you can ask me anything. I'll definitely answer them, within my knownledge of course. May,may I sit?", she got up shakingly, walking to the green worn out sofa in the middle of the room and threw herself on it, which made dust flying out into the air. Bucky followed suit, standing across from her, eyes still on the woman when an amusingly questioning expression appeared on her features. _Must be because of the dust_ , he guessed,then he moved on with their conversation. It turned out he wanted to know exactly what happened the night of their first encounter. Surprised at first, Vanessa let out a sigh, starting to tell him about the thing she had hidden from even the closest one to her. She was under no obligations to do so,but there was this urge to tell him that she was at lost to understand. Meanwhile,Bucky listened to every word carefully,gazing at her without moving an inch while she went on and on with her story. Feeling like he was hearing enough,Bucky finally raised he voice.

"I got it. And why are you telling me about – ," and just like that, Bucky said something about how miserable her story made him feel, but she didn't even listen to was too busy observing his whole apartment, and soon got drown in her own world. Vanessa took notice of everything, from the blanket falling out of his untidy bed to the dirty dishes in the sink. The smell of damp and moss was too much for her nostrils,and at that moment she knew exactly what she had to do. It was to help him catching up with modern life, which she felt like a responsibility she had to bear ,but it was on her own accords. He was just an out of time man that was completely lost in this big world, and she couldn't just stand there and watch him disappear. Afterall, she owned him her life.

"Hey , Bucky waved when he noticed that her eyes were fixed on the blank space besides him. " Are you listening?"

"Ah yes, I-I did. Thank you for…er..that.", Vanessa jumped a bit, then she rose up out of the blue, reaching out for his hand. " Please , just let me do it. I promise it won't interfere with your life. And nobody's gonna find out about this." ,said,giving it a tight squeeze.

Buky didn't reply, nor look at her. Instead, his gaze was on the ground. He could feel it. Her hand was warm. Warmer than anything he came into contact for the past 70 years.

"I mean, everything must be pretty new to you right ? Do you know how to use a microwave ? Washing machine ? Phone?" , with every item listed he just quietly nodded, which surprised her." I mean Iphones. The smart ones?", finally this time, he shook his head.

"Err.. those things are not important at all," Vanessa continued, voice filled with fierce and determination as if she was having a speech," what matters here is how you adapt to the new society where, to be frank, it's hard to tell what's right and wrong. And that's why, I'm here."

He moved his gaze to her with a questionable look on his face." And why would you go to this length just to help me , a wanted murderer ? "

Her face dropped when she heard it. She took a step closer to him,hovering her hand on his shoulder ,not knowing whether she should touch it or not, but she did it anyway." Listen James, it wasn't you. What happened in the past, it was the Winter soldier who did I , I just don't really know how to explain this.", she paused a bit , " But I feel like I have to do something. And that something, is telling me right here right now. Please James, why don't you give yourself a second chance? "

Bucky looked at her with frustration, then after a moment of silence, he withdrawed his hand, turning away from her. More argument would lead to nowhere ,and might even worsen his already rising headache. "Whatever."

Despite how cold he sounded, she knew that he finally opened up,though not much. Vanessa swung her body into his back,giving him a tight hug while he struggled to get out. " Just so you know, I hired the one right under yours. I'll be checking on you everyday, ok ? ".

It was warm. The heat, foreign to his body , made him shuddered a bit.

After a moment which felt like a century to him, she finally let go. Vanessa took her baggage and walked to the door, smilling to him before shuting it close. Bucky sighed, falling onto the bed. It was only 9 in the morning, yet the encounter with such unexpected guest had worn him out already. He looked up at the ceiling, bringing his metal arm up forward and exmining it. Even though there was a subtle hint of fear in her eyes when he threatened her, she still touched it. Despite him being one of the deadliest assassins in the world, she still approached him and offered him a hand as if she encountered some stray dogs on the street .Whereas Bucky only thought of himself as a monster,a menace to the society that should be eradicated , Vanessa saw him as a human being only. A physically normal one. Though he didn't want to admit it, he felt something special, and misery about her. Maybe she was an agent in disguise sent to his front door, gaining his trust to take him down anytime she was ordered. Or maybe, she was just a normal engineer like she said, but he got nothing to prove.

Taking in the faint smell of lavender from her perfume still lingering in the room, he closed his eyes. Thousand of questions were still in his head, yearning for answers but he just brushed them aside.

Afterall, we all lived lives of doubts.

* * *

The more i read about Bucky, the more i break my heart .Bucky doesn't deserve all of this horrible things Hydra did to him,so i decided to write something sweet and romantic to make up for him. Anyway, i've written a few chapters in advance . Please tell me what you think of this story :) I appreaciate all opinions.

Btw , there will be no happy ending ( to be honest, there will be both happy+ sad ending, but the happy one is still a long way to go) . And there will be lemon.


	2. I was the moon, she was the sun

It was on a cold day in December. The small ,black-painted truck was making its way through a small bumpy road, both sides decorated with trees and stell fences. Tough,electronics fences, buzzling every few , a big mansion came to sight,but a small guard was what they needed to deal with first. Two big guys coming out ,approaching them. Before they could speak anything to the seemingly driver, they felt a sharp pain in their abdonment,then falling to the ground one by one. A voice came up , speaking in Russian.

"Come out. This is your next mission."

With a loud thud, the back of the truck was kicked open, and a shadow rushed out. "We'll be waiting at the north side of the mansion. Escape through that forest",the man grunted,"Only kill if needed."

The Winter soldier gave a signal with his hand, then quickly made his way to the large mansion before him. His attire was made out of completely leather, with traps on his chest, knee pads to prevent any legs injury, and weapons armed everywhere on his body. There were no space,even the tiniest bits, that you could see him without guns,or a knife. All in black,allowing him to blend in the pitch dark of the surroundings. He looked perfectly covered, except for those blue eyes that stood out from the rest.

The eyes that could spot a prey from afar even in the most extreme conditions, always focusing on it only when it had fallen underneath his feet, were somewhat filled with grief and an afflatus that tonight's prey wasn't going to be the same as the others.

* * *

Bucky could feel someone hovering over him,even though his eyes were still shut closed. The figure slightly caressed his cheek, continually calling him. "Wake up James. It's already 9 am."

He growled, rubbing his eyes to see the figure starting to become visible. It was no other than Vanessa, and it took him a while to realize that, much to her dismay. "Come on. Breakfast is ready. Are you always this late?". Vanessa smiled as Bucky slowly got up, still trying to balance himself. He clutched his head,giving it a few massage,then asking.

"Did I say anything?"

Her smile faded when she heard him, for she didn't dare tell him that he had been mumbling in his sleep even when it was already morning, and sometimes he startled her by sudden screaming. And to be frank, it was a frightening scene ,because even Tony,who also suffered the same disorder, had never done it before. At least not to her knownledge. He was bad enough. But Bucky, was another level of bad that she sometimes wondered herself how he could lead a life like a normal person without any help. "No, not at all.", she answered,grinning to reassure him.

However, he could see through it. She was so bad at telling lies, almost as bad as he was.1 day had passed ever since her arrival here, and somehow he could sense or smell, to be precisely, some subtle changes to his low-key life. It was his stomach growling that told him off.

Bucky slowly walked to the table,sitting down before a large plate of bacon, eggs, butter, toast and a cup of coffee. A long time had it been since he last had this kind of breakfast ,not because he didn't want to,but the lack of money. He would just grab whatever he found in the fridge to eat, or sometimes he would starve himself when there was nothing left. Tried as he might, he didn't want to recall the times when he even had to look up the garbage cans outside restaurants or fastfood stores. But now, it wasn't trash anymore, but a proper hot meal in front of him. Taking in the smell,he could feel his mouth already watering over it. _What if there is poison in it?_ . Once again his assassin instinct kicked in. Bucky looked up at Vanessa from across the table,as if he was waiting for an approval.

 _Always wait for the handler's order before taking action._

"I made it for you. Just eat it. ", Vanessa smiled, taking a sip from her coffee.

Bucky shook his head as the rules carved into his head during the time as an assassin rang inside his mind. Vanessa wasn't any handler.

 _But what if there is?_

His mind thought so, but his actions screamed otherwise. He couldn't careless as he picked up the fork and started eating. Bucky didn't even take time to swallow the whole thing down before showing another spoonful into his mouth, savouring his simple breakfast like had had starved himself for a while. Though it might have been true.

Meanwhile, Vanessa sat at the end of the table, hands playing with the spoon in her cup as she watched him. A grin appeared on her feature at the sight of him eating as if there was someone after it. "Just take your time. It's not like it's gonna run away, ya know ?"

"Sworry", he replied with a mouthful of food,"It's just…good".

Vanessa laughed. How she loved he was completely different from the one he had been the previous day, intimidating and fierce. Right now,he looked just like a 16 year-old boy from Brooklyn, eating his meal eagerly to get to school in time. She kept grinning while this time, it was him who examined her. After a moment of silence, she initiated,clearing the awkwardness between them. " So, do you know what Steve is doing now? I mean, Captain America?".

Bucky put down his fork as he was taken aback by the mention of the name, again. He wasn't quite sure why she brought it up, but had better not give away his mind for she could be interrogating him. " The Avengers". Bucky looked down at his plate, avoiding her gaze.

"That's right", she sounded like a teacher complimenting on a kid who just gave the right answer,"It's good to know that you still care about him. Things take time. I'm sure your memory will return soon". Vanessa grinned, not noticing how uncomfortable he grew when she touched the sensitive topic. His mind, his memory, they were his and his only, and other people knowing about it was his pet peeves. Bucky then picked up the fork again, stuffing a piece of bacon into his mouth while she went on with her story.

"Steve is a really nice guy, unlike Tony. But thanks to him, I was able to meet Steve, and had quite a lot of fun with him." . Bucky raised his eyebrows at the word fun, which made Vanessa blush ,thinking that he had got the wrong idea. "No not that kind of fun. I mean, I got to teach him the way around technology. Sometimes going to the coffee, chatting…just to get him back in track. Anyway, here's this one time.." . And just like that, her story slowly drew him in,at some point even making him want to laugh, but he decided to hold back. It was comforting to know that his dear friend was still fine ,healthy as ever and most importantly, he wasn't alone. Bucky's thought then shifted to Vanessa. If someone was willingly patient enough to help out a senior getting used to the dynamic life of the 21st century, she might not be that bad at all.

"And then I went to his apartment after his call. Bubbles were all over the place", Vanessa laughed,picking up her cup and taking another sip from it, "Ah, good time. Needless to say, he's much better now. At things."

Then it struck him as he heard the word apartment. His up until now relaxed feature turned into a more serious mode. "Wait, how did you get in here? I don't remember having given you a key of some sort."

Being asked out of the blue, Vanessa almost choked on her coffee. She coughed a few times before talking, thinking how dead she was when he noticed it. " Actually, I-I have this small gadget that can open doors. Something like that,eh. It's not the chopstick thing you see on TV, but the-"

"So did they send you here?", Bucky interrupted her, voice grew cold. He didn't feel comfortable when it came to privacy being invaded like that. Maybe he should have been more he should not have been that relaxed around her. "To kill me?"

Eyes widened, Vanessa stood up from her chair,slamming her hands on the table. He got all of this wrong.

"Are you crazy? No. I don't work for Shield,or the government. My only boss is Tony Stark, and I-I would never do such thing to you."

Bucky also rose up from his seat, taking his empty plate to the sink without batting an eye on her. He then walked to the closet and got changed,much to her dismay. "What are you doing?"

"Going to work", Bucky replied ,turning his back to her. Annoyed by how weirdly he acted, Vanessa ran up, holding his wrist and pulled him to her,making him almost trip. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why so suddenly?"

The use of bad word caught his attention as it made him gaze at her for a while, then he swung his hand out of her grip. "You shouldn't stay here."

"I think I should",Vanessa fold her arms,looking at him with a stern look.

Bucky didn't say a word as he walked pass her, grabbing a back backpack on the shell. He headed towards the door and before going out,bluntly said. "Don't follow me. Just stay here 'till I get back."

"You're acting like a 9 year-old James", Vanessa raised her voice so that he could hear it, "What's your problem? Why don't you tell me instead of running away like that?", and he shut the door. She couldn't help but feeling like a fool.

After hearing his footsteps down the stairs smaller and smaller, Vanessa jumped onto his bed, screaming into the bed sheet in order not to be heard by anyone. _Gosh I screwed up. What should I do to gain his trust now? Damn it_ ,she thought,fondling the white sheet beneath her. Guilt built up inside her ,as she realized she shouldn't have said those words to him. It was her fault in the first place,yet she thought she had been doing it right. It made her question again the reason why she had to go to this length just to help him. At first, Vanessa thought she would meet him to say thank, maybe give him some money to make ends meet ( if he already retired being an assassin). But then,the one she seeked for was literally not here anymore,instead there was a calmer,but somewhat twisted version of him. His current life,and his story of turning from a hero of the country into a wanted man bothered her so bad that she even took time to actually study about American history. He was a veteran,an out of time man just like Steve who had to struggle everyday for his life,albeit for Steve was considered America's hero while Bucky wasn't. It led to this weird urge welling up inside her,telling her to find a way to cure this man mentally and,physically. Suddenly, Vanessa could feel her cheek turn red at the thought. Blinking a few times, she realized she was lying on his bed,a single one with white sheet and small pillow. She could smell it, the sweet mixture of his clothes wash,shampoo and another distinctive one belonging to ,he was very particular about hygience and how he looked,but didn't give a damn about other stuffs around his apartment. She stayed still on his bed, making up a what-to-do list in her head until the sweet scent slowly drove her to sleep. Before losing her sense,she had sworn to herself that she would get rid of all his doubts and,give him a peaceful mind that he had longed for,that he deserved.

* * *

In a small alley across the market where Bucky worked as a porter, an actually efficient one, he stood there to recount his paycheck for today. The boss was being more generous than usual for having a great deal coming up,so he decided to reward Bucky a few more than he normally paid him. Then he shoved it in the pocket sewn inside his coat. _This should be enough to move to a new location,_ he mumbled,zipping it up. Seeing that he was trying to stay as low as he could, Bucky couldn't ,not he wanted to,take in the fact that he had to be supervised by a woman he only met twice,who seemed somewhat eccentric and stubborn. Not to mention the fact that she could have been well-known judging from her background, her giving away his hideout would be a matter of time. Therefore,the sonner he took action,the more troubles he could avoid. Just to make sure nothing was left behind,Bucky took off his backpack and checked it. There were some money he had saved before,a knife, a gun, some clothes and….that's all. His eyes widened,hands keep digging into the bag to find it,but to no avail. He must have left his diary under the pillow. Bucky sighed,kicking the trash can nearby as he cursed under his breath. How could he forget such precious thing that without it, he would have nowhere to grab onto. Having no choice but to return to the apartment, he hoped for being how stubborn she was, she didn't listen to what he told had her before, and got out of his room to wander somewhere else.

How he wished she had wandered back to America,or wherever the hell she belonged to.


	3. I was disaster, she was beauty

Thank you to all who follows and favourites my story. I appreciate all of them. And i would be even more delighted if you could give me a review telling me what you think of my story, what i need to fix and what you want to see :) Please,with a cherry on top?

* * *

He clicked the door open, examining the house carefully before taking a step in. Having always on the run had carved him this nature,for he could be hunted down when he least expected it. Fortunately, there was no one,but Vanessa. She sat on the green sofa, hugging her knees close to her chest and slept soundly. Bucky eyed the whole room again,only to find it much more arranged, and cleaner. All the spider webs were gone, boxes and stuff put away neatly in a corner,and he could hardly see a speck of dust on anything. Surprised as he was, a spicy smell drew him to the kitchen. He opened up some pots to see food,probably made by Vanessa, all hot and looking good. Then a small growl came up behind him.

"Uh…hey James. Since when did you come back ?", Vanessa rubbed her eyes,said with a sleepy tone in her voice," Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I just did.", Bucky replied in a monotone,then he went straight to the bathroom,taking a shower while he could hear her turning on the stove. Preparing for dinner,he guessed as he let the water wash down hisb ody, this strange feeling welling up inside him. It's been a long time since somebody gave him proper care,and it sure brought up mix thought in his head. Up until now, he was determinded to get away from her ,but her demeanor and words,all so delicate and warm,just torn him apart and filled him with what had long been taken away from him. Even during his time with Hydra, which sometimes he guitily admited that it felt like his second family as they gave him a sense of existence, they treated him no more than a mere tool, a compliance asset served for their own purpose. His well-being wasn't what mattered,but the mission was.

His mind had once again shifted to the last thing he wanted to remember. Bucky turned off the water ,grabbing a towel to dry himself. The longer he stayed there, the more he would recall his time at that horrified home. He shook his head to clear the thought,stepping out of the bathroom in a plain t shirt and a sweatpants. Bucky walked to the table and sat down while Vanessa was arranging the plates. There were few dishes,all looking good and nice,waiting to be savoured by him. It was then he realized that there was only one plate,which was set in front of him. He turned to Vanessa,who was taking off her apron. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"Nah,I'm fine. I have already prepared some in my apartment. ,"her voice softened,"thought you might want some space". She picked up her clutch and headed towards the door,without waiting for him to answer. Instead of getting out, she just stood there for a while, hand hovering over the handle as if she was on the verge of saying something,but couldn't.

"What?", and Bucky just couldn't stand that sight of her.

Shuddered by his voice ,Vanessa took a deep breath,then spoke in such a fast pace that she wasn't sure if he could catch all of them. " Listen, I want to apologize for what happened this morning. I should have asked for your key yesterday,but then obviously you wouldn't give me one. So I… I just want to make something nice for 's all. No killing intend. No nothing. Just want to make you feel I…enjoy the meal." , she finished it arubtly, dashing out of the room as quickly as possible before he could say anything.

Bucky stayed still for a while, processing her words while his eyes were still fixing on the door. But soon,the appealing smell drew his attention to the dishes on the table,and he quickly picked up the fork and ate it. _Poisonous_ ,again did he think,but his instinct kicked in the other way. After all, an assassin would never have spent time cleaning up his little apartment, even let herself off guard by sleeping in such a defendless state like that. Years of being trained to be the new fist of Hydra had sharpened his sense, as well as his outlook on things,willingly or not. They taught him how to make the most out of weapons,languages and even obidience,but taking in such amount of food was definitely not in their training session. The bland taste of tube and dried food still left a taste on his tounge, but they soon wore off by the fresh,cooked one before him each time he shoved down a spoonful of it. Vanessa and her food was powerful enough to soften him for a moment.

She might be nice,but she was not someone to make acquaintance with while being on the run like this. In fact, he shouldn't approach anyone,for fear that his mind could be triggered in the least expected time. His plan was called off,but he was still determined to carry it out the following day,as he carefully shoved the notebook inside the deepest corner of his backpack,preparing to leave early before she could even notice. But it wasn't that easy to escape from her and her stubborness.

As a result, he failed to do it every single day.

He wanted to go,run to a faraway place where couldn't find him,and began working on catching up with life. But it was the smallest thing she did that he couldn't help getting drawn into. Her cooking was nice,and he and his stomach didn't mind at all the fact that she made them and brought them to his room almost everyday. Sometimes,she taught him about how things worked in this modernl life,which was undeniably appealing,especially to a science nerd like him. Her projects for the Stark Inc. were sometimes mentioned, and despite not understanding half of it, Bucky still listened to her,catching every words carefully and eagerly. She knew he had a weak spot for science, and so she took advantage of it to win his heart, even though it was still a long way to go until she could acomplish it.

Thus,she decided to step up the game,simply by asking to take him out. At first, he objected to it,saying it would be dangerous for them to be seen together. But then,his determination finally gave in to her stubbornness as she promised him that she would try to avoid drawing attention as much as possible,though she didn't say how.

And so,they went out for the first time,together. It was just a simple stroll along the street to a park nearby his building,but it was enough for Bucky to put on his cautious façade. He put on his usual black hoodie,pulling his hood over the cap to cover most of his face while Vanessa wore a leather jacket, jeans and a cap,just like him. "See? I look pretty normal huh ? No one would ever notice a thing." How wrong she was when she said that.

She kept talking to him on the way,while he was just quitely walking besides her,head down, narrowing his eyes to survey the surroundings for any suspicion,sometimes giving her a nod in agreement even though he had no clue what she was talking about. People did notice them,however,mostly her. While he was like a silent fur ball,who was huge and so intimidating,she was petite,full of energy and somewhat shining with delicate and purity. He could feel people' eyes on her, on how she walked, talked and swung her hips everytime she took a step. Her long,curly brown hair fell perfectly on her back, bright hazel eyes gleaming with joy always set on him,only. Every once in a while, when she noticed him being all "old and tired",she grabbed his arm, the metal one,and pulled it closer to her body,leading him quicker. It was the exact moment that he could feel it. The warmth foreign to his body lighted a flair of spark in his chest,hitting every nerve and sense inside him. He wanted to fell more, to grab hold of it but the other side of him tried to elude it,to threaten him that he didn't deserve to live a life of a normal human being. It didn't take long for him to realize that she was the reason to this inner conflict. But how ironic it was when the cure itselt was also her. She helped him remember. She believed in him. She talked to him like he was more than a monster. She woke something in him that was buried and deep before she came along,and she took that responsibility seriously.

He couldn't lie, it moved him.


	4. I was greed, he was pride

Sorry for not updating for so long. You can blame it on my schedule at school, and also my laziness. Just so you know, i'm not dropping this one because i'm going to tie it to future events (like Civil war and so on) so please keep supporting me. Reviews are much appreciated!

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She was taken aback when it finally came the day he opened up to her, which meant letting her gain access to his apartment anytime she wanted, as long as she didn't disturb him. Vanessa couldn't stand still, hands fondling the hem of her shirt as she tried not to grin as if she had won a lottery when he silently opened the door, welcoming her in. Ever since the unfortunate incident on their first encounter, she had been careful when it came to approaching him, even talking to him in a formal tone, all to show him that she was anything but a threat, a trustworthy woman who just wanted to help him from the bottom of her heart. She still cooked sometimes, though in her own apartment and brought it to his door during meal time. Then they would have a little awkward conversation about the weather, after which he thanked her ,and she was sure that she wouldn't be able to have a proper sleep that night without thinking of him and his deadpan tone of voice.

But this. Him asking her to come in his apartment was a whole different thing from all those contact at the front door before. She couldn't help but giggling, feeling her cheek flushed with a tin of red she didn't even bother to protest when he asked what she was smiling about.

"This is like, the first time you have officially invited me in ."

Bucky said nothing to the statement, setting himself down on the sofa and tilted his head to the side, signal her to sit next to him. Vanessa had never been so quick in her life before. Just as she took the seat, cigarettes buds on the small table quickly caught her attention and the distinctive smell in the air, which she hadn't noticed before, hit her nostrils, making her cough for a bit. Then she saw him pulling out one from his pocket and ready to light it, but she snatched it away before he could even whine. He just let out a small "what", and pouted. Vanessa felt she could give him a lesson of his lifetime right now, but she tried to swallow it down, determined not to ruin this special day. She moved closer to him until they were just an inch apart, asking teasingly. " Mr Barnes, what is it that you called me for? "

He raised an eyebrow at the way she called him, but quietly pointed at the ipad on her laps, which she brought all the way down to his apartment when she was using it on bed. It turned out he wanted to know how that thin gadget had taken over people' life, at least to his eyes. He also caught glimpse of her using it before, but never dared ask probably because he could feel a space between them. However, their mutual trust now, which she had tried her best to build it, had gotten a lot better so he decided to take the initiative. Needless to say, she couldn't have been happier. Vanessa didn't waste any time as she placed it on his laps and started giving some demonstration on it. His eyes lit up, sometimes a smile even curled up in the corner of his lips, making him look like a child exploring the outside world for the first time. What a curious cat, she thought, eyes fixing completely on Bucky rather than the screen. She wondered if this was also had been a part of the old James Barnes, since only when in moments like this did another side of him come out stronger than ever. Then Bucky mentioned her name, bringing Vanessa back to reality by his slight touch on her arm. "What is this?", said as he pointed at an icon. Once again, her mouth went on explaining but her gaze this time had moved to his biceps. How the veins ran down his arms to his hands, how his chest heaved as he breathed,….nothing couldn't escape those hungry eyes of hers, despite being hidden underneath the tight shirt he was wearing. It hugged his body perfectly, showing off everything he needed to make girls swooning over him. And it indeed worked. She then wondered what it would feel like to hug his arms, or maybe even lean her head on his broad and firm chest, spending the whole day on bed, together. She didn't know how long she had been staring at him, but she didn't mind either. Shaking her head lightly to get out of it, she was soon drawn back to him again when she caught his lips parting, giggling something god knows. For a man, he sure had such nice, red puffy lips that looked so soft, and delicious. Vanessa swallowed hard as she imagined her lips locking with those of his, biting and nibbling happened, fighting against each other till they had to pull out for air, still connected by a string of saliva. This time, her face got into an even deeper shade of red.

"Hey, Bucky asked with concern in his voice," Are you okay? Your face is all red. Are you sick or something?".

As a response, she covered her face with both hands, mumbling under them. "I'm fine. Perfectly fine", she looked up at the clock to avoid his questioning gaze," It's late. Maybe I should let you rest for now. See you." Said, Vanessa stood up from the sofa like a rocket, bidding him a good night before she quickly ran to the door. "You can keep it. Explore it by yourself. Much more fun ya know?"

Closing the door, she leaned against it for a while, trying to get her breath steady and normal. It felt like if she had stayed any longer, she wouldn't have been able to withstand the heat of her own lusty mind, and that of his body. She was so close to him, close enough to just dive into his embrace in just a swift action, yet she couldn't do anything but staring. The feeling of him being so close, yet so far was unbearable to her, but it still set off a small spark inside her chest.

"What's wrong with me?" , Vanessa mumbled under her breath, folding her arms together. She was at lost to understand her own behaviors, but there's one thing she was so sure of was that she had never experienced it before. She couldn't say she was extremely beautiful to the point men kneeled in front of her, but she got some admirers. The thing was no one could make her bat an eye on, yet this guy – the one considered to be the deadliest assassin, the one so vulnerable and lonely now could grant her such pleasure, even just by being close to him.

And she was greedy for more.


End file.
